After many more moments of sitting crying on the kitchen floor in the Winter of 2017/18, I had had enough. The inner limbo in which I had to decide whether I would be: staying put; dancing to the beat of society’s drum; playing safe and going out; or seeking meaning and myself and taking risks on the other side was becoming too exhausting.

Running from the truth was painful until I finally stopped and looked at the truth that was staring me in the face. After being honest with myself, I made up my mind to venture out and follow the call for meaning that was pushing me so painfully.

And you know what? My inner judge who had tortured me non-stop with doubt like “Was I really to leave everything behind? Why could I not just be happy and fulfilled here?”, grew slowly silent as the excitement of a new adventure grew inside of me.

I arrived at that inner place of choice, exhausted and surrendered but as soon as I stood in that truth, and made that choice, new energy flooded my system. New hope, new excitement, new curiosity, and a tingling feeling of aliveness. Step one was done.

But now what? Step two required me to think about the follow-through. So okay, I wanted to leave Germany not take the job and go out to explore the world in the hope that by doing that, I would also learn about myself and my meaning. A plan started to unfold as new ideas popped up in my mind. So, I don’t know what I am supposed to do in this life. I have NO IDEA to be honest. But this I do know: I love languages, especially French and English. I also knew that I did not “just want to backpack” and enjoy life. This was a serious matter, I wanted to work and earn on this journey. Earn money but even more so, experiences that would bring me closer to my true life path. I had a clear intention here. This intention led me to work and travel visas. Many of my friends had spent a year in Australia working and travelling after graduating from high school. I did not feel drawn to Australia. Suddenly, the puzzle pieces came together! There are work and travel visas for Canada too and there is a French speaking part of Canada. Aha!

We never know what awaits us – and as you will discover as you continue to read my blog, holy guacamole, we really don’t! When I was stuck between following the path of school, university, job, marriage, house, dog, car, kids, etc. and breaking free, I thought something was wrong with me. I feared uncertainty, but even more so my spirit was depressed from the predictability of my life if I followed that road. Oprah has this saying that “When pain pushes hard enough, vision pulls.” The pain was coming from my being out of alignment and integrity with the paved path. My task was to go out and explore, to find a way to live that is true to myself.

“Integrity is the cure to unhappiness!”

― Martha Beck, The Way of Integrity

What I did not understand back then, but do now is this: Choice is the first step if you want something to change. The commitment to this choice needs to be put in action. That is integrity and that is what we do when we move forward with intention. For me, following the call to find out what I have come here to do with my life started a journey of a thousand miles.